Bedtime Stories
Spent a fun filled Sunday evening-into-the-night (post Church group meetings of course) with the blog monkey yesterday. Well, not that fun, but it got late, silly, stupid and almost dangerous so, therefore, at least it wasn't boring. And although these are pretty much all "you had to be there, I guess"-type anecdotes, here they are anyway for your perusal, in no particular order:
1. "I'm gonna tear out your heart and cook it in a bucket of shit and then eat it!" - Said while imitating some halfwit he meets at the gym from time to time.
2. References made to sexual acts using martial arts' belt categories. It was all new to me.
3. The work we were doing wasn't supposed to take long. We were supposed to go out for something to eat or at least dessert/coffee after but it got way too late. On the way out he asks if by chance I have any food in my car. I say, not any that would be there intentionally. He says, what like a Cheeto under the seat? I say, yeah next to the used condom....some references made to wife helping me get off while driving but using a condom instead of any part of her anatomy....somehow that gets us onto something like, but don't get any on the cheetos under the seat! And then he says, imagine trying to come onto a Cheeto, which is totally stupid I know, but you had to see his imitation of trying to do it. Priceless and will not get out of my head no matter how much I smack it against the wall. So we're dying laughing, walking down the hall to the exit when lo and behold, what do we spy for no good reason in the middle of the corridor?!?!?! A lone, half-eaten Cheetos-type cheese puff!!! I couldn't even speak! I could only point and make grunting sounds while trying not to snort my brains out my nose! After we regained some composure, we began to speculate that it was most likely the work of a poltergeist with either a very good sense of humour or, even better, no sense of humour at all but for whom their sole afterlife purpose was to try to help the living as best they could and who thought we seriously wanted to perform this sex act with high fat , simulated-flavour snack food and was trying to provide us with the means to do so. (We absolutely did not do so, FYI!....though I suppose we could have, given how late it was and nobody being around and all and goddamn what a missed opportunity!!! Oh well, maybe next time).
4. Roughing out an idea for somehow replacing Dr. Phil with somebody in a top-notch Chewbacca costume in actual episodes of the good doctor's "let me self-help you, you dumb fuck" talk show. In might take a lot of work that could at times seem as if for naught but when it was finished I'm sure it would kick ass! Just picture it, Chewy grunting and growling and otherwise vocalising all from a chair on stage and the people, as if understanding everything he's saying, trying to explain themselves, denying, crying, admitting they need help or a change or a miracle. Even having them hug him or have him get up and get ultra-angry and have the audience burst into applause. God, this would be so awesome! If there is anyone out there with enough free time, I'll supply you with all the sandwiches you can eat so you can work non-stop until the hilarity is able to ensue!
5. During one of the several times he tried to come onto me, by suggestively positioning his body next to mine in some way, he tore the ass out of his pants (put his foot on the desk beside me to kind of "open up his crotch area" at about the general height of my face). His attempt to turn me on failed yet again and he started swearing and cursing about how he now needed to buy yet another pair of jeans (seems he's ripped quite a few as of late). Then made a crack about the "slow life" post he did a while back and how he needed to get pants of a much better, longlasting quality, something that could survive his lifestyle choices. To which I queried, "You mean 'Slow Pants'?"
Hmm, when I started this I was sure there was about 10 other things we cracked up over but none are coming to me now, perhaps I'm repressing, and bm's offline so I can't even ask him if he recalls other "funnies". I guess I'll have to update later if anything comes back to me, that is if I don't get told not to bother and erase this post to boot.
1. "I'm gonna tear out your heart and cook it in a bucket of shit and then eat it!" - Said while imitating some halfwit he meets at the gym from time to time.
2. References made to sexual acts using martial arts' belt categories. It was all new to me.
3. The work we were doing wasn't supposed to take long. We were supposed to go out for something to eat or at least dessert/coffee after but it got way too late. On the way out he asks if by chance I have any food in my car. I say, not any that would be there intentionally. He says, what like a Cheeto under the seat? I say, yeah next to the used condom....some references made to wife helping me get off while driving but using a condom instead of any part of her anatomy....somehow that gets us onto something like, but don't get any on the cheetos under the seat! And then he says, imagine trying to come onto a Cheeto, which is totally stupid I know, but you had to see his imitation of trying to do it. Priceless and will not get out of my head no matter how much I smack it against the wall. So we're dying laughing, walking down the hall to the exit when lo and behold, what do we spy for no good reason in the middle of the corridor?!?!?! A lone, half-eaten Cheetos-type cheese puff!!! I couldn't even speak! I could only point and make grunting sounds while trying not to snort my brains out my nose! After we regained some composure, we began to speculate that it was most likely the work of a poltergeist with either a very good sense of humour or, even better, no sense of humour at all but for whom their sole afterlife purpose was to try to help the living as best they could and who thought we seriously wanted to perform this sex act with high fat , simulated-flavour snack food and was trying to provide us with the means to do so. (We absolutely did not do so, FYI!....though I suppose we could have, given how late it was and nobody being around and all and goddamn what a missed opportunity!!! Oh well, maybe next time).
4. Roughing out an idea for somehow replacing Dr. Phil with somebody in a top-notch Chewbacca costume in actual episodes of the good doctor's "let me self-help you, you dumb fuck" talk show. In might take a lot of work that could at times seem as if for naught but when it was finished I'm sure it would kick ass! Just picture it, Chewy grunting and growling and otherwise vocalising all from a chair on stage and the people, as if understanding everything he's saying, trying to explain themselves, denying, crying, admitting they need help or a change or a miracle. Even having them hug him or have him get up and get ultra-angry and have the audience burst into applause. God, this would be so awesome! If there is anyone out there with enough free time, I'll supply you with all the sandwiches you can eat so you can work non-stop until the hilarity is able to ensue!
5. During one of the several times he tried to come onto me, by suggestively positioning his body next to mine in some way, he tore the ass out of his pants (put his foot on the desk beside me to kind of "open up his crotch area" at about the general height of my face). His attempt to turn me on failed yet again and he started swearing and cursing about how he now needed to buy yet another pair of jeans (seems he's ripped quite a few as of late). Then made a crack about the "slow life" post he did a while back and how he needed to get pants of a much better, longlasting quality, something that could survive his lifestyle choices. To which I queried, "You mean 'Slow Pants'?"
Hmm, when I started this I was sure there was about 10 other things we cracked up over but none are coming to me now, perhaps I'm repressing, and bm's offline so I can't even ask him if he recalls other "funnies". I guess I'll have to update later if anything comes back to me, that is if I don't get told not to bother and erase this post to boot.
posted by Sinkchicken at 4:16 p.m.
11 Comments:
hee hee.
boy, am i an arse.
Um, have you noticed people have "no comment" on this post....which either means this has finally scared them off or nobody's reading the blog anymore. Either way....WAHHHHH! LISTEN TO ME CRY LIKE A SPOILED LITTLE BABY!!!
For the record, I've also had hilarious wish-I'd-recorded-that moments with Monkey. Laughed out loud at your descriptions, and could totally picture it.
Yeah, Monkey is super funny, with his acerbic wit.
hey hey hey! I was part of all that too, you know! I wasn't just the straightman to his spastic funny, and oftimes scary, funny-man schtick!
In fact, I think it was I who suggested the Dr Phil thing with Chewbacca....oh wait a sec....well, sort of....it was after he'd said something about having him do a talk show and then I blurted out how he could be subbed in for Dr. Phil....but slow pants was mine....and I was the one who got him going with the used condom thing....and I spotted the cheese doodle in the hallway, so at least I'm perceptive at picking up trace amounts of garbage in office spaces! Okay okay, I admit I'm desperately looking for credit where credit is due, and most likely a little too desperately. All I'm saying is that I helped contribute my own share of absurdity to that wacked out (not wacked off) evening of ours. But yeah, he's a pretty damned original fella when it comes right down to it! And I love him to bits for it especially when he's NOT trying to dry hump my shoulder.
ok, ok, you're funny too. Better?
Yes, I agree. Sink Chicken is actually extremely funny too. If he would ever call me from his impenetrable fortress of solitude where he works, perhaps we could actually have that lunch we talked about having. Then I could laugh at his chicken-like sink.
Yes, better. Even though you can't tell because beaks aren't very expressive, I'm smiling now.
And yes I should call you Meinert, soon (and I'm not just saying that 'cause you said I'm funny either). We're just superduper busy here wrapping up this production and I'm leaving to go to Oregon in a week and I have so much to do before I go because they still won't be done by the time I leave and I'm double-shifting it and I have to leave everything in such a way that a monkey could navigate and find what he/she needs even without the banana at the end if he "does good". Not that the people I work with are monkeys or anything, I'd never call them that. Alright co-workers? Got that? That is if any of you secretly read this blog. Anyway, at the latest I'll call you when I get back and we can do lunch. Are you still working in this building?
Sorry, I finished the contract in that building, but I'm not far from where you work. Good luck in Oregon.
You are such goobers.
Things at home have been crazy lately, but I'm still reading...
Can't speak for others but the ass in the face may have turned them off, even though it made me bust up...
Chewbacca is so much better than Phil...
Have fun in Oregon. I'm jealous.
Kat
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