Dear World (Holy christ am I stupid!)

(blog monkey sent me a link to a "great" blog, from someone calling themselves a "new christian". I found it very inspirational. But it was kind of cryptic, that is, it was phrased in such a way that it only barely managed to conceal the face of a raving lunatic behind a mask of calm serenity. Allow me to nudge it out into the open with a bit of transubstantiation:)

Profile:

Location: Bumfuck USA

Me: I am a nondescript Caucasian female, totally shallow, oh and gullible too! Please love me!




Dear World:

Before I found my current fuck friend Stan I was a major whore. Whoo boy was I ever! I mean I've got this kid and I think the father was this guy that I was working with at the time, but I'm not sure, but I've heard that you're not supposed to beat yourself up over that kind of stuff so I don't, I've just kept working at being a single mom, with everything going for me! I mean I've got it made right? Funny thing is, no matter how hard I tried to put out, Stan wouldn't go for it. I thought maybe he was gay until he told me he has devoted his life to Jesus, and even then I kind of had my doubts....

Anyway, he didn't pressure me about going to church, much....well, okay, so every conversation we ever had slowly came around to the subject of my heretical ways, but honest, he was so nice about it, he never once called me devil-spawn or harlot or Satan's love-child or anything else I could read in his eyes.

Then one day, after I just wanted to shut him up, he invited me to something called a "Harvest Party". At first I thought, shit, now it makes sense! They're an alien race that culls the herd from time to time! And I've been invited to their not-so-subtly named feast probably as the stereotypical "guest of honor/main course"! Turns out it was just a brainwashing shindig hosted by a bunch of Stan's overzealous, life-hating Christian pals! I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure they spiked my food with something, or maybe it was the fact that the party lasted 7 days straight with almost nothing to eat and very little sleep. It's all a blur really.

Shortly after this wonderful event that I loved with all my heart absolutely voluntarily, I went to his church.

Now remember: I had nothing but TV, a shitty minimum wage job, cigarettes and almost zero education before I met Stan. And I was a single mom with a daughter that would some day no doubt be the greatest little gangster a mother could have! I guess you could say I had everything going for me so there was no reason I should need anything else, right? That's why I found it so strange that when I got into the church, and when this huge group of people (who seemed to have their shit together, and were dressed so nice and had a live in husband, 2 cars, 3 or more well-behaved children and friends) started hugging me and showing something akin to actual human emotion, it got me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, but there is absolutely no reason that I should have felt this way, remember, my life was complete and I had it made! Oh yeah, and they hung out in this massive building, lavishly decorated that was meant, architecturally speaking, to inspire awe, but you know something, it inspired this feeling of awe in me for no reason I can think of....must have been something metaphysical I guess, whatever that means, like a divine or holy ghost, maybe even Jesus himself! I mean it just had to be! The next week I went back, totally of my own volition and NOT because I had finally felt like someone loved me for more than a night. I went again and again and each time I went the pastor asked those of us who were desperate fools and new to the church to come up to the alter to receive the holy ghost through the equivalent of spiritual hazing. I was scared shitless, trembling like a ninny, my pits were swamps, I could feel everyone's eyes on me, I wanted to run away, I was a bundle of confused emotions and again, that's why it was so inexplicable that I would suddenly feel different up there, that I would suddenly feel the need to scream out in incoherent sentences as if reaching for some kind of orgasm of release or escape. I'm pretty sure I didn't go insane at that moment or just do something that would allow all this self-hating torture in front of the judging eyes of the congregation to end. It's much more likely and believable that a supernatural entity entered my body and is now residing there. Really. He's there. He tells me things. I am no longer fully responsible for my own thoughts and actions because the lord now tells me what to do (through the more influential members of the church can still also tell us what to do. But they, coincidentally, happen to have a much more open channel to God than the rest of us. Weird eh?)

So now I'm a new Christian because I realise that even though my life was so great and I had no reason to be out looking for something a tad more meaningful I was actually a bad person, bad I tell you, terrible and this is the way I'm correcting all the problems I had before, the ones that I didn't even know I had. Sure I'm not getting a real education or finding my own meaning in the universe and growing as a person but I am having a bunch of stepford wives tell me how great the lord is and why the earth doesn't mean shit, even for my daughter who is about to inherit it and that there is a mansion for me in heaven! A mansion! Can you believe it! And I'm sure I'll have lots of time to go out shopping to fill it full of stuff, yeah, it'll be heavenly stuff made mostly of sublime vapours and whatnot, but stuff all the same; the type of stuff I just couldn't afford on my minimum wage salary (and can't possibly afford now that I have to give some of it to the church)! Thank you Stan, thank you for showing me the light....oh and Jesus, thank you dear Jesus for giving me this type of overly simplistic bliss that even the numbing love of TV couldn't quite achieve. Praise be to God and this one single idea I can focus on effortlessly! It's so easy! Don't knock it til you've tried it!


Signed,
E.Z. Pickins



(All I can say is: I really need to start a church.)